I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
