Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
