I'm eating all of the evidence.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
