Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sacagawea was the original milf.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
