He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
