and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
