Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
