dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
