in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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