My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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