I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
