I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
