My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
