This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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