It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
