Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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