Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
