He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
