dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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