We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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