I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
