is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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