im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
