I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
