My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
