good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
barbara walters just said penis...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
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