Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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