I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
