apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
