This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
