4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
