Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We had sex on a dog bed..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.