I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going