I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
