We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
