No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
