I faked an abortion last night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
