you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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