I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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