i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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