Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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