Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
