I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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