I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
