We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
