i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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