the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
