If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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