I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
