I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
