she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
