I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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