you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
