All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
