you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
