I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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