Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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