Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
