you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
