Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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