I'm eating all of the evidence.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
