After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
