So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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