Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He shit in the fireplace
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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