A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
