i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
