I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
