Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
